I'm staying at a place with an insanely loud radiator

It reminds me of my big heart that is capable of wild, inconvenient, can't-live-without-each other love that every dreaming girl deserves.

Almost one month down, two more after that.

this is so emotional

I don't often quote song lyrics but...

this is EXACTLY how I feel:


What you did to me made me
See myself something different
Though I try to talk sense to myself
But I just won't listen

Won't you go away
Turned yourself in
You're no good at confession
Before the image that you burned me in
Tries to teach you a lesson

What you did to me made me see myself somethin' awful
A voice once stentorian is now again meek and muffled
It took me such a long time to get back up the first time you did it
I spent all I had to get it back, and now it seems I've been outbidded

My peace and quiet was stolen from me
When I was looking with calm affection
You were searching out my imperfections

What wasted unconditional love
On somebody
Who doesn't believe in the stuff

You came upon me like a hypnic jerk
When I was just about settled
And when it counts you recoil
With a cryptic word and leave a love belittled

Oh what a cold and common old way to go
I was feeding on the need for you to know me
Devastated at the rate you fell below me

What wasted unconditional love
On somebody
Who doesn't believe in the stuff

Oh, well

Hug Yourself Sometimes

This is me, putting my words out into the universe, while still attempting to maintain some sort of privacy. I know that no one reads this.

The world is so overwhelming now. The weather outside reflects the weather inside.

I feel like I can't do right by you. I want to feel like I gave it all I got and went down swinging.

In this moment, I'm really way far down

But I know that there is no where to go but up

And in this wet, muddy town

I can see some light, finally.

If I Was One to Write Reminders on My Hand

...it would say this:

-everything is beautiful
-love is beautiful
-everything rusts and crumbles
-there is love where you are not
-do not trust that it will see you through
-have your way with it
and
-know when to leave

"my feet will want to walk to where you are sleeping
but
I shall go on living."

One Man

It's hard to think of things that are true. That I am such a difficult person many find it easier to avoid my presence. That I've only known one man who I knew could have handled me until old age and I left him years ago because I knew he'd be better off. I didn't want to settle for that. I don't want to be just handled. I want to be challenged. I want to grow. I want to learn from someone and have them learn from me. Most of all I want someone who will teach me to laugh at myself and all of my phobias and neurosis--someone to hold my hand and laugh in the face of evil things, approaching them and intimidating them until they are so small.

Nothing else will work. This is clear now.

x